Big Tex

In the words of the immortal David Allen Coe…You don't have the perfect country and western song if you don't say anything at all about "momma, or trucks, or prison, or trains or getting' drunk". Well… guess you can't write about Texas without talkin' bout eatin' drinkin' , church and football. So that's what I'm goin' a do.

Texas is one of those places that stands tall on its own legends. It is a common misconception that in Texas everything is twice as big. Not true, it is really only 1.975 times bigger, they just like to round up. Big hair was outlawed in 1977 by J.R. Ewing and still today officials are doing their best to enforce this, one Dallas Cowboys cheerleader at a time. Popular local fauna includes fire ants, killer bees, gargantuan roaches, mosquitoes, locusts, unruly snakes, creepy bats, and a bevy of other beauties. While most Texans tend to think of these as just little bitty bugs on a bad hair day they do agree on one thing: "What was Noah thinkin' when he let coyotes on the ark?" Always visionaries, those Execs at the big TELE-Vision networks may do Texas Survivor edition. The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Sweetwater, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns." The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

If there is one thing they do well and in abundance in Texas is eat. Addison, a Dallas suburb has more restaurants per capita than anywhere in the world. You can find just about anything and everything you could ever want. There are a few rules however you may want to learn. There are only 5 spices in Texas: salt, pepper, ranch dressing, BBQ sauce and ketchup. Avoid yourself some embarrassment and don't be asking for no fancy honey mustard or wasabi anything (Texans aren't real fond of eating things that look like snot). Another thing you may want to learn is how to order a beverage. Sweetened ice tea is pronounced Swait-tay (all one word). Dr Pepper, created in Waco and considered to be the first soda is by all means the most popular dink in Texas (except for beer of course) For all other carbonated sodas just order a coke. They will ask you what kind. For example: Patron: " I'll have 2 Dr. Peppers, 2 cokes and 1 swait-tay". Waitress" What kind?" Patron: " coke coke and sprite".

Since there are just too many great eatin' places to mention I am only going to go over a few of my favorite places from when I lived here in the mid 90's. I was on a pretty lean budget back then so most of the places I patronized are on the more affordable side of the price scale, i.e.: no fine dining. Some of these restaurants may be found in other parts of the country but all were new to me as I moved to Dallas. My college friend Kim headed out to the "Big D" from Connecticut in early 1995 and I followed a few short months later to Arlington. Though we lived across town from each other we did try to meet up as often as we could. I worked for a TV sports network and frequently had tickets for the Texas Rangers who play at the Ballpark in Arlington. My old apartment was basically in the parking lot of the field and therefore within short distance of both the park and many good restaurants in the vicinity. One of our favorites was Pappadeaux (www.pappadeaux.com).

We used to go there for happy hour before ball games. In addition to the many hurricanes we drank, Pappadeux has an appetizer dish called the "blackened oyster fondue" that is better than sex. Not that I know that from experience, Mom and Dad, since I am of course still unmarried. I am just going by what my now married friend Kim is telling me. (tee hee, sorry John). The fondue is a cheesy mixture of blackened oysters, shrimp, crawfish and mushrooms with a tiny bit of spinach (need to add that bit of green to make you think it is the least bit healthy), all enveloped in a thick blend of cheese. They serve it with garlic bread but we always order plain bread with it (ya, like getting plain bread cancels out all the artery hardening, butt inflating fat on the fondue, sort of like ordering diet coke with cheesecake). Once we have thoroughly destroyed any semblance of our diets that week, the fondue was always followed by a slab of key lime pie that could feed a small African nation for a week.

Our other favorites in Arlington included La Madeline French Bakery ( we always ordered the Tomato Bisque soup and Caesar salad) and for steaks, Trail Dust. Trail Dust is famous for two things. The have a collection of ties cut in half on display as you walk in. They will be happy to add to it the ties of any men dumb enough to wear one in. Secondly and more personal, they are responsible for turning my once vegetarian friend Kim into a carnivore. She still doesn't eat chicken, but that's not real Texan anyway. They have a big slide in the restaurant and yes, we joined all the kiddies in the sliding fun. You can find a lot of great Mexican food in Dallas but Kim had a particular favorite in the Blue Goose (www.bluegoosecantina.com). Now there are several Dallas locations to choose from but we always patronized the lower Greenville location (an artsy neighborhood north of downtown Dallas). My favorite was the sour cream chicken enchiladas that inspired my award winning sour cream tomatilla enchiladas recipe. Although my two favorite Mexican restaurants are not in Dallas, I still give this one a thumbs up. By the way, if ever on the River walk in San Antonio, visit Boudro's. (www.boudros.com) Not entirely Mexican, they blend the best of Mexican, Cajun, Texan and Germanic Texan Hill country with one of the best selections of eclectic cuisine. For pure Mexican the way it is meant to be, you need to head south of the border. For most of my Cruisers that may mean Cozumel. Two blocks off the Malecon near Calle 10 is La Choza (www.lachozarestaurant.com).

Drive through more your thing? Try good old fashioned southern fried anything at Grandy's, don't forget the biscuits. Luthers, Colter's and Dickey's BBQ pits, serve up Texas BBQ at Yankee speed. The best by far is none other than a Texas institution. At 2 AM when hunger gets the best of you, just search out the Mecca of all Texas eateries, the one with the giant orange "W" , yes I do mean WHATABURGER!!!!!!!! Now I know what ya'll are thinking, I though the same thing at first….,"what the???? Trust me, I finally got hungry enough one night and found out what I had been missing. Hey, if it was good enough for 34, famed fastball pitcher and Texas Hero Nolan Ryan and his new bride the night of their wedding, it's good enough for all of us. They ate their wedding night dinner at the Whataburger in Alvin, Texas. One last thing, not to be forgotten are the Kolaches. These pasty like goodies are found in the area south of Dallas and north of Auston and Houston. Large numbers of Czechs and Germans settled this area and the tradition of the kolaches is going strong. Made of a bread dough base and filled with fruit filling or sometimes stuffed with sausage, don't pass these by without a taste.

In a state known for it's quirkiness, Texas does have some strange laws on the books. It is illegal to put graffiti on or milk someone else's cow and cattle rustling is still a hanging offense. You may not shoot a buffalo from a second story window nor may you curse in front of or expose yourself indecently to a corpse. Criminals must give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed. You are not required to have a windshield on your vehicle but you are required to have wipers. You may not take more than 3 sips of beer while standing and whatever you do, do not purchase an encyclopedia Britannica from that pesky salesman. The entire book collection is banned in Texas because it includes a recipe for making homemade beer. I guess it only makes sense that Texas has one of the most confusing and ridiculous State Liquor codes as well. Although National Prohibition of alcohol ended more than 70 years ago, over 50 counties in Texas are considered "dry" by law. But that's only the beginning of the patchwork of the state's confusing alcohol laws. "In some counties, only 4 percent beer is legal. In others, beverages that are 14 percent or less alcohol are legal. In some 'dry' areas, you can get a mixed drink by paying to join a 'private club,' and in some 'wet' areas you still need a club membership to get liquor-by-the-drink," In some cities you can buy beer at the grocery store, but not wine. Meanwhile 5 miles down the road one direction it is reversed and the other direction you can not buy anything.

Most of the laws are at least consistent through the county, but not all. Take Lubbock, home of Texas Tech and Buddy Holly. Liquor sales are allowed by the drink in the city of Lubbock but not by the package (remember my lesson from last column on what a package store is?) Meanwhile in the county of Lubbock but OUTSIDE of city limits, liquor can be sold by the package but not by the glass except at private clubs. Drive a short distance south of the city and you reach the "Strip". A short mini-Vegas like strip of Drive in package stores with enough neon to light up an airport runway. Not included in these laws are the local wineries that are allowed to sell direct to the public by the glass or package. As long as they are selling locally made wines of course.

In Lubbock I visited the Llano Winery (www.llanowine.com). A ten minute drive south of Lubbock (turn left at the Strip), the Llano Estacado winery is the second oldest in the state and the largest producing. Started in 1976 by a team of professors from nearby Texas Tech, the Llano Estacado produces some of the finest wines in the State. My particular favorites are the Texas Signature Rhone and the Texas Viognier. The Rhone is a light blend of 5 different red grapes and goes down wonderfully smooth. The white Viognier is equally enjoyable as a refreshing escape from the heavy more popular whites. You can ship wine to many states and shipping is available on their website. I sent two cases home myself.

After a Saturday night out Boozin', sinin' and eating at WHATABURGER, you best head off to Church on Sunday. They don't call this the bible belt for nothing. While most Texans are Christian, they are a tolerant lot allowing all denominations to practice freely. Do keep in mind that this is a state where the preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." and five guys stand up. Or a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." Let me tell you a bitty story that might help explain things: One day God was sitting on a cloud talking to the Archangel. The Archangel points down and says: God, What's that?" God replies "That's Texas, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and mountains. The people from Texas are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace." The Archangel gasped and then proclaimed: "But what about balance, shouldn't there be balance?" God replied wisely: "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting next to them in Louisiana and Arkansas."

One religion that ALL Texans can agree on is Football. Professional football, the Dallas Cowboys and Houston Texans, though beloved throughout the state, well at least the Cowboys are, takes second fiddle to the true love of Texans: High School Football. It should come as no surprise that the local paper covers national and international news on one page but requires six pages for high school sports. It is popular in this day and age to blame "Big Oil" for all that is evil in the world. What you may not know is that Texas Oil is one of the biggest reasons for the success of the game today. In the early 1900's the newly rich oil barons of West Texas needed an outlet for their time and money. Their wives were having no problem spending it at the burgeoning Nieman Marcus in Dallas. These men are credited with being the first Boosters of Amateur High school sporting teams in Texas. Powerhouse teams in cities such as Waco, Lubbock, Amarillo, Odessa, and of course Dallas and Ft. Worth soon started competing on a regular basis. The regional games being played on "Friday Nights" led to a tradition that remains unbroken and revered today. In 1951 a new system of playoffs was developed that categorized schools according to size. Now more schools that ever could compete in the ritual of the Friday night game. There are no less than 500 high school football games being played in Texas every Friday evening in the fall. September of 2007 brought something to the state that elevated High school football to a new level. On September 15th, the number one USA Today ranked Carroll High School in Southlake Texas, took on ESPN's top ranked school, Miami Florida's Northwestern High School in a historic showdown at Southern Methodist University's Ford Stadium. In this made for TV event, was covered live on ESPNU, 32,000 fans turned out for High School Football. Sadly for the Southlake fans, numbers were not on their side and they were edged out by Miami 29-21. One would have though the state was in mourning the following day.

It is nearly impossible to cover a state as grand or as large as Texas in short column. No matter where you go or what you do in this state, a few pieces of advice will come in handy. Remember: "Y'all" is plural. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive. Get used to hearing " You ain't from around here?" or "Hey, y'all watch this". Take note, when you hear the latter, you may want to back up or run for cover. Do not ever tell a Texan "this is how we do it up there", they don't care and if someone tells you the "peppers aren't hot" they might be fixin' to make a funny at your expense. By the way the verb fixin' has nothing to do with anything being broken. No matter what you've seen on TV, line dancing is not a popular weekend pastime. Take your line dancing butt to Tennessee, or better yet try a cruise. Speaking of cruising and line dancing, stay tuned for next week when I come to you from the beautiful Sovereign of the Seas.